Babies really aren’t advertised very well are they?! You think you are getting a well behaved, sweet and innocent little baby, whereas the reality is very different. You may think you know what’s in store, let me tell you, nothing can ever prepare you for what’s to come. I’m going to be divulging into what parents think will happen compared to the complete chaos that actually happens.
You pack a bag and head for the hospital. The traffic is on your side, and you arrive at the delivery suite in plenty of time. A midwife is waiting for you and ushers you into a quiet room where you can relax and make yourself comfortable. After a couple of hours of relaxation and a few cups of tea it’s time for your pregnant partner to push. She asks you to hold her hand during this part as she wants you by her side for the most exciting moment of your lives. She gives a few hard pushes and out pops your new baby. You both start to cry as you look at the beautiful new life that you have created.
Your girlfriend rings you at work. “You need to come home, it’s happening!” Shit! I’m not ready for this, it’s too soon. The bag isn’t even packed yet, I still haven’t worked out how to assemble the pram and there’s football on the TV tonight, such bad timing! You get in the car and drive towards the hospital, hitting every single red light you possibly can. A little old lady starts to cross the road at snail’s pace. Do you get out and help her? Do you just drive and send her flying? It doesn’t matter, she’s taking the piss! You get to the hospital and panic is starting to set in. Realisation that this is actually happening. You get there to find that there’s no beds available because every bloody woman on the planet has decided to give birth on that day. After an hour waiting for a bed you finally arrive in the delivery room. What happens now? Am I allowed to sit down? “I wonder if there’s a TV in here so I can watch the football”. Serious death glare!
After hours and hours of watching your girlfriend grunt and make other disturbing noises it’s time for her to push. “You are doing amazingly well sweetheart you are so close to the end”, “DON’T EVER COME NEAR ME WITH THAT PENIS EVER AGAIN!” Yeah you aren’t having sex for another 3 years now so best get your head around that pretty quickly. The most beautiful moment of your life is about to happen, the baby is about to…holy shit, where is all this blood coming from?! Looks like a scene from a gory horror film! Is this baby fighting his way out with a chainsaw?
The moment finally arrives, the baby comes out, blood squirting everywhere, tearing new arseholes as they pass. Time to cut the cord. It takes two or three seriously strong snips to get through it. There’s goo all over his face but you go in for the kiss anyway without any thought for where that head has just come from. From this day, you will never get another good night’s sleep ever again. Congratulations!
Changing a Nappy
Your child lies on the changing mat perfectly still looking up at you with those cute, innocent eyes. You undress them within seconds and open up the nappy to see the smallest little poop. How cute! One wipe later and they are squeaky clean again. The nappy goes on with no fuss and your baby complies completely when putting their clothes back on. That was a fun activity, I can’t wait to do that again later!
A foul stench lingers in the air, your heart drops as you realise that your child has fired out the most horrific smelling shit ever! How can a tiny human shit that much? And why does it have to smell so bad?! The only thing that goes in is formulated milk, so how can it possibly come out the other end stinking like rotten eggs? You lie your child down on the changing mat, which starts a wrestling match to get their pants off. You open up the nappy knowing full well what you are about to be greeted with. The smell hits you like a sledgehammer to the face. “How on earth have you managed to get poo all the way up your back?!” The poo gets into the smallest and most well hidden folds and crevasses. A full pack of wipes later the poo is finally gone, you can breathe again! Time to put the pants back on. Wrestling match round two! You put one leg in and attempt to put in the second leg. The first leg pops back out. You go to put the first leg back in to find that the second leg has popped out again. You then get kicked in the face. Nappy change time is fun, I’m never doing that ever again…or at least not for another couple of hours.
A beautiful bonding moment between parent and child. Your child waits patiently as you make up a bottle. They sit comfortably on your knee and give you a huge grin that it’s finally feeding time. They calmly take their bottle and you manage to catch all the dribbled milk on their bib. When they have finished they close their eyes and drift off into a deep sleep with a content smile on their face.
Your baby screams at you from across the room. Guess that means it’s feeding time. In the 5 minutes it takes to make a bottle your child has already growled at you and nearly passed out from crying. “Surely you can’t be that hungry?! There are starving children in Africa and you’re screaming because I’m taking too long to make your bottle”. You go to put the bottle in their mouth and there’s drool and snot everywhere. As the bottle gets closer they are like a wild animal that hasn’t been fed for days. As soon as your child starts gulping away there’s milk spraying everywhere. It’s up their nose, in their hair and all down their chin. Once the bottle is finished it’s time to burp them. You start to rub their back and within 5 seconds they’ve let out the manliest belch and brought up the entire contents of their stomachs. What a waste of time. Makes up a bottle and repeats the whole process.
You lower your baby into the warm water and the excitement is written all over their face. Bath time means playtime and it’s a great opportunity to splash around and have a great time. You get to play with all the toys that you can fill with water and pour out again. Your baby is giggling away making little splashes in the water and the water stays inside the bathtub at all times.
Your baby squirms like a worm so you have no choice but to strip off and get into the bath with them. Bath time is definitely a two person job. One person to hold them so that they don’t submerge under the water and one person to wash them down. As soon as your baby hits the water the legs start splashing and the entire contents of the bathroom are soaking wet. “Why does the water have a slight tint of yellow to it? And what is that brown floating object bobbing up and down? Oh great there’s a poo in the bath. I’m now sat in the bath with a floating poo, everybody out!” For the person who does the washing part, you end up coming out of the bathroom looking like you’ve just taken a shower whilst fully clothed.
Having a baby is nothing like what you expect and the best advice that any parent can give is to expect the unexpected. Being a parent may seem like all fun and games from the outside, but the reality is far more stressful and a lot more messy. The joys of parenting.