So we’ve made it through the first trimester with the morning sickness, and we’ve survived the second trimester with the bigger breasts and higher sex drive in your partner (that was a tough few months, not sure how I got through that) and we’ve finally made it to the third trimester. The calm before the storm, the countdown to takeoff, the home stretch. It’s nearly time for baby to make their arrival, and for you as the father to get your shit together. Here’s a few things to expect during the third trimester…
1. Bump’s Getting Big
At this point of the pregnancy, you can expect your partner’s bump to be rather large, and you can expect to hear some passing comments such as…”I’M SO BIG!” or “I’M FAT”. This is a code red, I repeat code red. Do not ignore these comments or grunt in agreement when you’re not listening. When you do this essentially you are saying to your partner..”Yes love you look fucking huge, go on a bloody diet will ya!” Yeah doesn’t sound great does it, deny these claims instantly and tell her how beautiful she looks with her baby bump. Okay, so she may be wearing granny knickers and nipple pads but she needs to know that she is pulling off the pregnancy look with style.
2. Clear The Way
By now your partner is probably peeing non-stop, all day every day. The baby is perfectly positioned right on her bladder, and is pushing down with absolutely no shame at all. You can expect your partner to be up and down to the bathroom at all hours of the night. Therefore, it would be a really good idea to make sure that the path is clear for her when you go to bed. The last thing she needs is to be participating in an obstacle course of dirty laundry and last nights underpants. Clear the way to the bathroom so she has a safe crossing to her second home. In my opinion it would make more sense for her to just set up camp outside the bathroom door to reduce the walking distance.
Another tip would be to make sure that the toilet seat is clean and down before you go to bed. You don’t want to wake up in the morning to find your partner stuck in the bowl when she’s tried to sit down. It’s a good idea to practice this one during the day as well, saves you getting in trouble for leaving the seat up all the time. Two birds and all that…
3. Plan Your Journey
This one might not seem that important but when the times comes for your partner’s waters to break and panic kicks in, you’ll be very thankful that your journey to the hospital is already planned out. Just remember, your head is going to be up your arse on the way there. You have your partner shouting at you to hurry up and stop driving like an old lady, there’s the realisation that you are about to bring another human into the world, and most importantly…worrying about getting women juices and blood all over your car seats. The last thing you want to happen is to take a wrong turn and end up in the middle of nowhere. If you are not going to plan your journey in advance then I would suggest reading up on how to deliver your own baby when you get lost and have to pull over for your partner to give birth.
An interesting conversation for you and your child when they are older…
“Dad, where was I born?”
“On the hard shoulder somewhere down the M6”
4. Sleep Deprivation
The third trimester is the time where you really need to make the most of the sleep that you are getting. Sleep is now referred to as a golden time and must be worshiped like it is the greatest blessing known to man. You will not be getting sleep like this ever again in your life, so enjoy it whilst you can. Have that lie in that you wanted, have breakfast in bed, because once the baby is here you won’t have that luxury. Sleep will become a rarity and you will be spending your waking hours looking like an extra from the walking dead.
This mainly applies to the father of the child, as the mother will have looked like this for months. Through no fault of her own of course. Sleep has been eluding her since she started the pregnancy. As the father though, you shouldn’t feel guilty about getting in as much sleep as possible. Better one of you getting some shut eye rather than you both be constantly tired. You’ll need all the rest you can get when you are running around after her and a small child.
5. Prepare A Bag
You can expect to be at the hospital for a few days during the birth, so it is a good idea to put together a hospital bag with all the things needed for both your partner and the baby. The best way to do this is to get a checklist of all the things you need and tick them off as you go. This way you won’t forget anything important, like nappies and wipes for your child. Again you have to think about your car seats, you don’t want any newborn baby poos on your seats on the way home. Having not experienced childbirth myself yet, I can only imagine that when you walk into the hospital with a huge bag full of clothes, it looks like you are scraping the barrel for a cheap holiday. I guess there are worse places to go on a short break, you get looked after by professionals, there’s the potential for free food and you get a lovely comfy bed.
It’s nearly time for baby to be here, so spend quality time with your partner and make the most of the last of your alone time. Prepare yourself mentally and just enjoy the last leg of the journey. If there’s any other tips that I’ve missed please feel free to write them in the comments section below.