Online Dating…Trying to find a needle in the worlds largest haystack

How do you even date these days?

The world of dating can be a tricky one, especially if like me, socialising does not come naturally. The nerves take over and the thought of trying to impress a girl with witty conversation and humour makes my knees shake and my stomach do somersaults. Females are like a different species, and require years of studying and research to understand. Even then, they can still surprise you.  I mean, how do you even chat up a girl these days? Do you come up with a cheesy chat up line with the intention of making them laugh…

Did you sit in a pile of sugar? Cos you have a pretty sweet ass.

From the terrible attempt I came up with, cheesy chat up lines are a definite no-go. Rather than coming across as witty and funny, I would more likely scare them off or get laughed at. That’s if you actually have the confidence to approach a girl in the flesh, which I don’t. The thought of approaching a girl in a bar or chatting someone up at the bus stop baffles me. I can only imagine it would look something like this…

The best that my chat up lines get.

Online Dating

Due to my lack of confidence and the refusal to socialise like normal people, I found myself diving into the unknown world of online dating. Let me tell you, it’s an eye opener! I would recommend it just for sheer comedy of some of the profiles you come across. I mean, just look at the mental state of this girl..

One to avoid maybe…

There’s even profiles of users with four legs and completely barking mad…

Looking a bit ruff…


I make out that girls don’t reply to me because of the crazy people that live on dating apps, when really they just think I look about 10 years old and still go to primary school. This is down to my baby face due to being unable to grow a beard and still getting asked for ID at the age of 24. Embarrassing much!

I Give Up…

After spending months online on various dating sites, I was ready to call it a day. I was bored of checking my messages daily to find a grand total of zero, and tired of constantly dodging the guys pretending to be girls and the sexual predators that seem to be crawling the walls of these dating apps. I’d been on a few dates (with some normal people, not the sexual predators) but been unsuccessful for various reasons. There had either been no spark or people I had met had looked nothing like the pictures that they provided on their page.

I hit a new low when I decided to ask a girl that I had been talking to along to the cinema for a first date. Not only did she not look the same as in her pictures, but she must have mumbled about 5 words to me throughout the whole date. Awkward and uncomfortable don’t even begin to cover it! Safe to say there was not a second date on the cards. What made it worse was that the movie was even unexciting and dull. Was not my finest couple of hours to say the least.

Due to my impeccable dating talents I decided that maybe online dating was not for me, and it was time to call it a day. Just before I clicked the delete account button, I noticed a hottie that I hadn’t come across before, so I clicked on her profile. She was beautiful, with a goofy hat and cute smile. Her name was Amy, and she looked like a down to earth girl, so I sent her a short message asking her about her job. I had no faith in getting a response, as she was far out of my league, she was Premier League material and I’m a bit Conference like. As girls usually go for older guys, I assumed that she would not be interested in taking on a toy boy.

At that very moment, I had no idea that this message would change my life in so many ways. A whole load of crazy was coming my way, and my sanity would never be the same again.

online dating

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