Work

How To Survive Being The Only Guy In The Workplace

In March 2017 I decided that it was time for a career change. I knew that I wanted to work with children (yes really), but I had no clue what I would be good at. I’d tried working with older children but they’ve too much attitude and they get right on my nerves. After trying and failing with a few different jobs I decided that I would dive into the wonderful world of nurseries. A world full of sick, wee and poo. Now I know what you are thinking, aren’t nurseries for women? If you were to go into a nursery, you would certainly assume so. Not a man in sight! A complete boob fest! It was time for that to change. Time to bring a bit of ‘man’ to the party.

Coming for my interview was tough! As soon as I arrived I could feel the eyes of everyone watching me. The looks on everyone’s faces was a picture. It was pure amazement and shock that a guy would even dare show his face in this place. This was a women’s territory and I was clearly outnumbered. Now I’ve worked with women before, and I know what goes through a woman’s mind when they see a guy attempting to do a ‘woman’s job’. ‘He’s definitely gay’ is the usual assumption. Nobody ever says anything, but I knew they all thought it. The first week of starting I spent casually dropping into conversation that I was in a relationship with a girl, and we were expecting a baby, just so they all knew my sexuality.

What I’ve Learnt So Far

I have been in this job for over 6 months now, and in that time I have learnt many things about women and their behaviours in work. A lot of it has been quite an eye opener!

1. Girls love to gossip

Working with women is like being in your very own soap opera! There’s always drama unfolding everywhere you look. I’ve never realised how much women fall out with each other until I started working with them. “She’s so annoying”…”She gets right on my tits”…”She’d better stop bitching about me or I swear I’ll swing for her!” Women can be quite violent when they want to be. It’s actually quite scary.

2. Women really don’t like men

It’s come to my attention that women really don’t like the male species very much! Apparently we are lazy, annoying, stupid and damn right impossible to be anywhere near. Now this may all be true, and probably is, but as the only guy in the surrounding area, I often get the brunt of the abuse. It’s a well known fact that women love to moan (sorry women, but its true) and on many occasions I’ve been sat in the staff room minding my own business, and I can hear different girls talking about how awful their boyfriends are. “He’s such a dick!” “Why is he doing that?” “What a knob he is I feel like strangling him!” Then they belt out a phrase that every woman has said at least once in their life…”Why are all men the same?” Then they realise that there is a man sitting in the room and then there’s no escape for me! They’ve spotted one of the accused in question and they must be interrogated to find out why men are all irritating knobs. The question I get asked time and time again is…”Do you do that?” Of course, being the perfect boyfriend I  am state that clearly I have never done whatever it is their partners have done. When in actual fact every guy has done it at some point and we are actually all as annoying as each other. Sorry girls, a man that doesn’t piss you off doesn’t actually exist.

3. They hunt in packs

It’s in a woman’s DNA that they must join together with other women when doing anything. They go to the bathroom together, they bitch about boys together, and when they come into contact with a male, they must hunt together in a pack to destroy them in any way they can. Countless times I’ve been targeted by these demon ladies and blamed for absolutely everything that ever goes wrong. There’s a mess on the floor…must have been the man. All the juice has gone from the cupboard…must have been the man. A child has just pooed and smeared it all over the bathroom walls…probably the man’s fault. As the only guy working with women, you are a lone wolf that has to survive however way you can. There will be nobody backing you up when the women come hunting for you.

4. Constant mood swings

One thing I am used to, with being in a long term relationship, is that once a month women turn into hormonal dragons breathing out fire. It’s not your fault ladies, your bodies were just designed to cause you pain, guys would be rubbish at it. When you work with women, there’s no getting away from the carnage that occurs when it’s ‘that time of the month’. The mood swings are both terrifying and unnerving. You experience a woman go from unicorns and butterflies to snappy crocodiles. Best advice I can give is to stay out of their way. Run away, hide in a cupboard, anything to avoid being on the receiving end, because it won’t end well for you.

How To Survive

1. Feed them chocolate

Girls love eating chocolate. It’s the only medicine that seems to work when they’ve lost their shit. Present them with chocolate and they will instantly go back to their original calm state. Don’t expect them to share it however, put your hand anywhere near a woman’s chocolate and you may well lose your hand.

2. Don’t be such a man

The best way to survive working with women is to be as less like a man as possible. Think about everything that a man does and do the complete opposite. I have been told that I have a habit of ‘man looking’ for things. This is where I open a cupboard, look in and decide that what I need is not there. The annoying part is when a female walks over and finds it straight away! Another ‘man’ thing that I do is not listening. I hear the important part of a sentence and then must dispose of the rest of the information, which usually has something else important for me to do. Safe to say it drives people mad. “YOU NEVER LISTEN!”… “Yeah I know, I’m a man!”

3. Cater their OCD’s

Being around women all day is exhausting enough, but women that have severe OCD is another level entirely. Things must be done exactly how they want it, which leaves a man such as myself absolutely no chance of getting it right. The most dangerous time is when we have new furniture in the room. We recently bought a new rug from IKEA which apparently nobody is aloud to go anywhere near! I spent the first few days taking a run up to jump over it just so I wouldn’t get any dirt on it. More than my life’s worth to touch that rug! Can’t wait for the day that a child throws up on it.

4. Be the ‘gay’ best friend

Spending 10 hours a day with multiple females means that at some point you will end up talking about topics that you would usually rather avoid. As a straight male, I really have no idea about hair, nails, menstrual cramps, boy issues or what dress looks nice on a night out. This being said, I still get roped into these conversations and am expected to give some sort of contribution. Best thing to do is nod and pretend like you give a shit. Women like to be listened to. Whatever answer you give will be ignored anyway. They want to know what you think looks good so they can choose the complete opposite.

5. Don’t take sides

The worst thing you can ever do is take sides when drama strikes. There are no secrets when it comes to females, they tell each other everything. Once you pick a side, you have nailed your colours to the mast and there’s no going back. You have now joined the enemy camp and you will face whatever wrath is coming your way. Best thing to do is stay well away from the drama, let them all fight each other to the death and pick up whatever pieces are left at the end.

 

Hopefully this has helped any poor guy who finds themselves in a job surrounded by women. Just follow my advice and you will survive! If I’ve missed anything that would help me or if any angry ladies would like to follow up with how they can survive working with men then please leave your comments below or get in touch.

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